Maybe you are in a season filled with trouble. You are facing challenges you could never have imagined. Maybe you are asking: “why me?” Perhaps you are digging deep into your mind and sorting through your memories to find the sins for which you believe you are now receiving punishment.
Maybe you are in a season of failure. Anything and everything you do seems fruitless. Your failures are starting to pile up in front of your eyes. You cannot see hope through the mountain of mess-ups. In your mind, you hear the insults: “loser,” “worthless,” “just give up.”
Maybe you are in a season of sorrow. The sadness and pain fill your heart like water fills the ocean. It is dark, misunderstood and powerful. On a stormy day, it overtakes you. You feel powerless against it. It comes back no matter what you do to fight it. You are drowning in it, and there is no shoreline in sight.
To you, I speak words of hope.
One. Speak to yourself with kindness.
Your mind is the first place you live. Try and make it a good place to be. You are most likely the only person you will live with your entire life, so make sure that person is kind to you. There are enough battles in the big wide world — do not pick fights with yourself. Do not belittle yourself. Swear at yourself. Words you would utter say to your friend or your mom, do not say to yourself. Words you would not accept from others without tears or flying fists, do not say to yourself. Words that are so terrible and hurtful that you would never say out loud do not say to yourself. You are not allowed to bully someone just because that person is you.
Two. Express yourself.
If you are not understood, again, that says little or nothing about you. So many factors will impact a connection or understanding between two people. Genes, upbringing, cognitive biases, past experiences, prejudices, academic education, values, morals… the list goes on.
Not being understood does not mean that what you have to say is ridiculous. It just might not be falling on the right pair of ears.
You may feel like your words mean nothing… that they’ll be lost in the vastness of the universe — pointless, useless, meaningless. But a ripple can turn into a wave under the right conditions. And even if it doesn’t… maybe that ripple was all a stranded little creature needed to get to shore. You don’t know where your words will end up. You don’t know who your story could help.
And even if your words don’t change someone else’s world, getting them out of your head might change yours. As the old proverb tells us, while joys shared are doubles, troubles shared are halved.
Three. Give yourself a break.
Humans need so many things. We need to be included, and we need to be involved. We need family, friends, mentors and partners. We need encouragement and approval. And near the top of the list is the need for grace. We need it from God and others, but also ourselves. If you are your biggest critic, make room for grace. Grace will help you pick yourself up after you fall. It will be the wave that carries you to shore. Grace will allow you to keep going and move towards the beautiful challenges that are yet to come.
Four. Look at the big picture.
In times of trial, it’s easy to develop what’s called tunnel vision in an unhelpful way. A man who loses his job and finds himself without any hope might max out his credit card on cereal and frozen pizza. The means he has absolutely nothing left for gas or rent. He might miss payments and spiral even further into debt. This man fell into a state of survival, thinking about the immediate here and now. Sometimes we need tunnel vision to stay afloat today. But if it continues indefinitely, and we never get our head above water and can think about tomorrow, and next week, we can be headed towards a vicious, vicious circle leading us to exponential troubles. I don’t mean to scare you so much that you’ll cry out, “it’s hopeless.” I want to scare you just enough to stop. Pause and take care of whatever you need right now. Once you’ve done that, sit down in front of a piece of paper and think about tomorrow. The big picture is made up of teeny tiny pixels. Yes, we need to think about putting our socks on and about the eggs we’re frying. We need to think about those pixels. But we also need to see what picture they paint once put together.
Five. If you need help, ask for it.
Ask for professional help. Just like we’re not all good at interior design, we’re not all good at creating a kind, safe and beautiful place in our minds. And just like interior designers cannot create a beautiful space all by themselves but need the help of architects, artists, builders and contractors, we cannot build the best home in our minds alone.
Ask for help from people around you. At home, at work, even out in the middle of nowhere. If you are sincere in your request and ask well, know that if you are refused, this reflects the other person’s lack of kindness, goodwill or resources. Whether the person can and doesn’t want to or wants to and can’t… their “no” does not, in any way, decrease your worth. Don’t let pride or “no’s” get in the way of benefitting from one of the greatest gifts to humankind: loving and being loved. This includes asking for help and accepting it when it is offered. This lesson is best learned early, as the lonely way is long, tedious and exhausting. We all need help.
“Two are better than one because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him-a threefold cord is not quickly broken.” — Ecclesiastes 4: 9–12 (English Standard Version)
Whatever season you find yourself in, don’t lose hope.
Better days are coming. God has a plan for you, a path that is filled with many different seasons. You will dance with people, moments and things of beauty and complexity you could not conjure in your wildest dreams. Your path will be sprinkled with days of peace so great you could bask in its glory forever and other of joy so great in your heart that you feel you could explode.
And when the troubled seasons come again, know you are never alone.
